GRIEF

Big beautiful thunderstorms yesterday and this morning. Loving it. We are leaving for (driving) Nova Scotia tomorrow. Listening to Karyn Saunders herbal highway as i write to you. yesterdays topic - grief. Soothing just to listen her talk about. I spent many years in grief as a child as I was molested by my dad for years - 5-11 years of age. I saw him yesterday. And I've seen him quite a bit in recent years. We've discussed it. He's been reported to social services. His wife knows. His mother doesn't. It was her I was going to visit. I still don't feel right with that(her not knowing)- awkward for me. But as a mother, I just don't know that it would do her any good to know. Anyhow, mainly thinking of Karen- her mother died recently. I think that mom's group was causing me too much grief when I was involved- perhaps due to that under-mothered feeling we all live with. To be mothered is too high and too suppressed an expectation of your friends though. Perhaps spending a small amount of time with the same people for years and years can make you feel cherished, nourished, held by the other. But I've always leaned toward a smaller number of friends that I spend more time with. I also equate the group with the feeling of being silenced because whenever I spoke about the near and dear someone would either be so affected that I would then disallow myself, or occasionally I was blatantly told not to discuss my topics, which was outrageous and being less than alpha or more cat like in reality (according to my homeopath at least), I couldn't hack it.